Full Disclosure: this actually happened last year and the memory of it popped up in my Facebook notifications today. Enjoy! 

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Y’all, I did a bad thing. I bought the alarm clock designed by Satan’s sadistic intern. It’s so effed up that I’m positive Satan wouldn’t take credit for it.

It started out fine. The idea was sound. “Wake up gently to natural light and the soothing sounds of nature feeling refreshed and energized!”

Who doesn’t want that? My commute takes, on average, 1.75 hours every morning by the time I get Z to school and me to work. I could *use* some refreshment, dang it! Plus, I had some whisky last night while catching up on Outlander and I knew a gentle wakeup would be just the ticket! Look at me! Self-care!

This morning rolled around, my slumber was peaceful. My new alarm clock went off. The cacophony of bad spa music and metallic sounding bird noises 2 feet from my head jarring me awake. (Fun Bex Fact: I hate birds). I open my eyes and I’m staring DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN. The fireball of horror is shining brightly next to my face, illuminating my room in violent white light. I am awake. I am confused. I feel immediately slightly ill. My attempts to silence the hellish tweeting are successful, briefly, but the shining sun refused to dim. It glares on–taunting me.

I stumble out of bed, partially blinded and head for the safety of the bathroom. The sweet darkness calling to me. I close the door and breathe a sigh of relief–letting my terrified eyes rest. There is a knock. The ominous sound of tinny tweets and a bassoon is getting closer. WTAF, Amazon! Why do you sell me things obviously possessed?!

I crack the door open and the light is shining malevolently at me, held by none other than my sweet in-house ray of sunshine.

“Mommy! Your new alarm clock is super cool! It’s time to get up!”

You win this round, evil intern.

If anyone wants an alarm clock… I’ve got one available cheap!

Good morning, friends.